© Legally Annoyed

© Legally Annoyed

A little baby in distress, from an Asian family no less, makes a mockery of the concept of a ‘quiet carriage’ on the train. Many people complained, couldn’t hear when speaking on their mobile phones – perhaps it hasn’t been explained properly to her in dulcet tones; but is it legal?  

Blind justice – the ability to split hairs or pull a rabbit out of a sack, or turn back boats, buy them or hide them; whoops, sorry – keep it quiet, don’t want a riot. We decide who comes to this country and the way in which it shall be reported; otherwise the news becomes distorted.

As they say, ‘ignorance is bliss’.   The adults are now running the show (so they claim), so no-one else to blame. Best to check with Frank, George or Rupert; it would be stupid otherwise to spread more ‘lies’, sorry (again!) I meant propaganda. Oh dear, how politically incorrect of me – must I genuflect to thee or pander to your whims? Truly, boatpeople may not be Christians, but for the most part, they’re not crims – but is it legal?  

Turning to bigger boats, whatever happened to Clive’s votes? No doubt there has been a military conspiracy. Then again, is it a gigantic stuff-up (a technical term) of titanic proportions? One cautions restraint; politics isn’t for the faint hearted or the newly departed. Does one detect the smell of a burning martyr? Try a little palm oil to ease the malaise or try to think up ways to control the senate. How could it possibly generate such an unholy alliance? Be you Coalition or Labor, it’ll be hard to curry favour with this motley crew. You should have voted below the line, one hundred and ten more times – but was it legal?

When shopping in Africa is on the agenda, keep your wits about you when in Kenya. Ignominious death is on special; do ‘the youth’ wrestle with bestial guilt? Let that filter through your brain; but is it legal? No, it’s just insane! Come to the shopping mall, fun for all!

I have to give blood to pathology but they refused to take it. There was a blackout due to high blustery weather and I gather from the nurse it’s a curse to take blood in the dark. Was Dracula ever concerned about workplace health and safety issues? ‘I vant to bite your neck, but vait, I’ll just check with ze union rep if it’s legal; have you got your Medicare card? It iz zo hard to bite by candle light!’

So high ho, to the hospital I go to walk up and down and push weights around. I ride the bike that goes nowhere. But as insidious as ectoplasm my back goes into spasm and I must abandon the exercise for the day. By the time I get back home the pain has gone; but the consequences linger on. There is something rather perverse about an exercise programme that makes you feel worse. In a former life, I must have caused considerable strife to a Chinaman. I wonder: was it legal?

Oh Jesus, Muhammad and Buddha; I should have finished this rave by now. But I swear by other ‘sacred cows’ that it’s so hard to focus with the clamour that the locusts make. Not to mention the strident attention from the man who cuts the lawn I don’t know how much more I can take so perhaps I’ll take a stroll down by the lake (when back pain desists) and try to feed cicadas to the ducks. Oh shucks, you can’t do that! It might be desirable, but, tut tut, is it legal?